WeatherPic

Jaded is in the snappers’ room praying that PictureBoss doesn’t interrupt his sullen mood

PictureBoss: Ah, Jaded, jaded. The very man!

JadedSnapper: Oh fuck, you’re being nice

PictureBoss: Nice? I’m a benevolent chap, ruling the humble EveningSnooze’s picture desk like… like -

JS: You’ve ran out of words haven’t you?

PictureBoss: Err yeah,

JS: So what you got?

PictureBoss: Well you may have noticed that we have a bit of weather today Jaded…

JS: Fuck me, weather? In the sky?

PictureBoss: Yeah, actual weather…

JS: Well it’s lucky I have a red umbrella in the car for someone to conveniently walk by holding..

PictureBoss: No no, haven’t you looked outside? It’s not even raining

JS: Well there aren’t any windows in here,

PictureBoss: Yes! It’s a dark room! Geddit!

JS: That joke was appalling 

PictureBoss: That’s why you put it in my mouth

JS: Oh yeah.. Right well I best find some small child to pose with an ice-cream

PictureBoss: No, no, that was last week’s weather picture!

JS: Oh, yeah, I’ve only done that picture once, ever, in my career. So, it’s not rainy, and it’s not sunny. But you still want a weather picture

PictureBoss: Yeah it’s special orders from EditorBoss

JS: Well I best pull out all the stops for this one then..

PictureBoss: Yes you best. It’s got to sum up the entire summer we’ve had

JS: We haven’t had a summer. It’s just been a bit, meh

PictureBoss: Yep that’s right

JS: So I’ve got to photograph the essence of ‘meh’

PictureBoss: See I knew you’d be the man for the job!

ParkingNazi

After what seems like an awfully long time, JadedSnapper has just returned to his car from a job. A parking warden is there…

  

JadedSnapper: Hey I’m not five minutes over yet!

ParkingNazi: I know, I know, just getting my ticket ready

JS: Well you can unready it then cos I’m here now

ParkingNazi: Yes well, I suppose – hey, [gesturing at the cameras swinging from JS' shoulders] you must be a photographer!

JS: Ah, a detective

ParkingNazi: What?

JS: Nothing mate

ParkingNazi: I like taking pictures you know – I probably do more than you every day. Cars mostly like

JS: Well that’s just rivetting. [moving toward car] I really must be getting on -

ParkingNazi: [standing slightly in the way, looks at watch] Actually, I’ve got a bit of a complaint -

JS: Oh?

ParkingNazi: Yeah, ‘ParkingNazi’ is a bit harsh innit?

JS: Well you are a baddy..

ParkingNazi: I’m not a baddy, I’m just following orders!

JS: Well it’s the enthusiasm you follow them with that I object to -

ParkingNazi: [looks again at watch] – As I was saying, I like pictures too see. But I like photoshop better. I can make potholes look really funky! Have you ever tried HDR?

JS: God no

ParkingNazi: You should try it. But you know what’s even better?

JS: Gouging my eyeballs out?

ParkingNazi: [again looking at watch] No, you can really cover your tracks… take your car for example…

JS: Err, yeah

ParkingNazi: Well if it were on ‘broken yellow lines’ I couldn’t theoretically ticket you

JS: No, that would be evil

ParkingNazi: But you know, I just follow orders so I’d do it anyway. And then I do a picture -  for evidence see -and bish bash bosh on photoshop and no more ‘broken yellow lines’. And I’ve got the proof and everything!!

JS: That’s nice of you

ParkingNazi: Well I’m just following orders. It’s like what you do at the football, miss the ball in the goal pic and mac it back in again

JS: [looking slightly uncomfortable] Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that

ParkingNazi: [looks at watch] But as you know, it’s far easier to solve a problem at the time than polish your turds afterwards…

JS: Well yes, that is true

ParkingNazi: [watch beeps] So a far simpler thing to do is just chat to you till you’re five minutes over! [Slaps ticket down triumphantly]

JS: Bastard

ParkingNazi: Well, I am a baddy

PhotoUnquote #2

Ladies and Gentlemen, a quick post to ressurect the blog, and one you can join in on. My best, genuine, snapper excuses, along with their translations. Comment or tweet @jadedsnapper!

 

“The camera’s battery went flat in the last minute of the game -that’s why I didn’t get the killer goal”

I nicked off just before the end to beat the traffic

“During that dawn police raid both my flashguns broke.”

Didn’t charge ‘em, again

“Sorry I’m late – I was double booked”

And the last job had a buffet on

“He was looking the other way”

I was looking the other way

“I made an aesthetic choice to take a picture with the other snappers in’

I got pushed out the scrum. No one likes me.

“This lens is shit. It wouldn’t focus”

This lens is in manual

“The camera’s broken. Every time I fired the trigger, the camera’s viewfinder went black!!”

I’ve never seen the Mirror-Up setting before.

“Sorry you didn’t like the last picture I took of you, the PictureBoss put the wrong one through”

I hate you

“Did I crop out your logo? I do apologise”

I hate you

“What do you mean you looked like a pervert in that picture?”

You are a pervert. And I hate you.

AskJaded: Should I go pro?

Hello sir,
Can I pester you for a bit of advice? I’m a bit of a photographer, which I am sure you’ve heard many times, and I am in two minds whether to try and make a leap into attempting to make 1p from a photograph one day. Like so many, I did a lot of photography for my  (media) degree and have done one or two little paid jobs, but my degree covered more art stuff rather than photo-journalism, although I love photo-essays etc. So I don’t really have lighting/studio experience for example and am still quite raw (no pun intended, honest) when it comes to technical aspects.

I’ve done a couple of non-paid photo jobs recently, and have seen how extremely difficult/competitve it is as an industry. And there comes a point where the whole
non-payment issue becomes well, even more of an issue! I do love photography/images very much but I really don’t know whether it’s better to keep it as a passionate hobby.

Anyway, I do not wish to ramble, even though I have, so any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

HopefulSnapper

On the panel are JadedSnapper, PhotoYoda and OldTimeTog

OldTimeTog: Don’t

JS: Don’t what?

OldTimeTog: Don’t do it. That’s what I tell every work ex that comes through the door.

JS: But I thought you were my inspiring leader, training the next generation?

OldTimeTog: Yeah but I’m only a few months off retirement so it’s time to be honest!

PhotoYoda: Ridiculous you are. That’s the 1-0 of your mind

OldTimeTog: What are you on about?

PhotoYoda: Every snapper says ‘Don’t do it’ to the work ex whilst going to a Premier League game, getting the freebies and earning a bit of cash on the side. Nonsensical.

OldTimeTog: What!? I’m just saying I wouldn’t go into it if I had my time again

PhotoYoda: And what happened last redundancy round?

OldTimeTog: Well I ran for cover of course!

PhotoYoda: You see, your advice is pointless. You won’t do it yourself, and you never will. That’s the 1-0 right there

JS: Well, he does have a point, there’s no money in it

PhotoYoda: Yes at the bottom it’s low paid, and we’re not sure if there’s a top anymore…

JS: So why tell someone to join the snapper trade?

PhotoYoda: Yes but you cannot tell someone not to do the job from the vantage point of living it everyday and taking all the benefits

JS: Benefits? I thought they were being cut?

PhotoYoda: That’s a different issue. How much have you earnt freelance this year JS?

JS: Erm, about an extra month’s salary…

PhotoYoda: You see that’s my point little fruitbat. Yes it’s low paid but you can earn money if you put the effort in! In fact it’s the same as any industry

JS: No it’s not, what other industry has a thousand weekend warriors undermining the trade?

PhotoYoda: But are they fruitbat? Are they?

JS: Erm, yes

PhotoYoda: Being the oracle of truth I don’t normally link to other sage snappers but please have a peek at Zarias’ post on the cheap snapper brigade. You can’t stop other snappers existing.

OldTimeTog: Unless you have a flamethrower

PhotoYoda: Erm yes, the point is fruitbats that only by working for yourself will you make money

JS: You could also crash and burn

PhotoYoda: Such a jaded snapper! If you go in with that attitude you will crash and burn. The point is to treat yourself as a professional you plonkersaurus

JS: But should HopefulSnapper go pro?

PhotoYoda: They already are!

JS: What?

PhotoYoda: They already are my fruitbat! They maybe at the beginnings of it but HopefulSnapper has been paid for pictures, and isn’t fool enough to grant CreativeCommons on their Flickr

JS: But HS still does a desk job

PhotoYoda: If you’re starting freelance, that’s how you start plonkersaurus! Start small and build your business till it’s time to go full time!

OldTimeTog: But HopefulSnapper doesn’t have the technical knowledge. They say that themselves!

JS: It never stopped you Mr GripAndGrin

OldTimeTog: [tapping badge on chest] Remember this when talking to me

JS: [reading] ‘BossSnapper’

PhotoYoda: Yes but the technicals come with doing the job! And scouring the t’interweb for useful photography sites

JS: What, ones that contain, erm, pictures?

PhotoYoda: Yes those ones. Talking to snappers, proper good ones, and t’interwebbing is better than half the photography courses going!

JS: So should HS go pro?

PhotoYoda: HS should keep broadening their snappering till the opportunity arises! Then they can take that snapper job, or just amass enough experience to be a full time freelance. Where they do have enough experience they should charge as such. Only then can their talent and business grow.

Dear readers, feel free to chip in with points of advice and resources!

The PictureDesk Paradox

JadedSnapper has just filed pictures from a photocall involving BigFamousMan doing a meet and great. The ‘best shot’ of the day was BigFamousMan kissing a baby, aww! Unusually Jaded has managed to get a nice tight long lens shot of the momentus event

PictureBoss: Nice pictures Jaded

JadedSnapper: Are you ill?

PictureBoss: Just one question…

JS: Oh, no, I can see you’re functioning perfectly normally

PictureBoss:… that picture of BigFamousMan kissing a baby… did you get a shot of him doing it with all the snappers in the background..

JS: What, the ‘profound meeja shot’ that unpacks the notion of the photocall as an actual event?

PictureBoss: Yeah

JS: But you hate that kind of shot

PictureBoss: Well there are always exceptions…

JS: In fact last time I did that shot you said: “I hate that profound bollocks, it just shows you couldn’t get to the right position in time. Don’t do it again. No exceptions”

PictureBoss: Yes, but look at this shot [taps his computer screen]

JS: What about it?

PictureBoss: Well, I quite like this ‘meeja shot’ that ArtyAgency took. Look he’s caught the flash from the other snappers and everything…

JS: Yes, it is nice

PictureBoss: So have you got one just like it?

JS: [tapping on the screen] What’s that in the background?

PictureBoss: Well that’s the snappers. I like the way it unpacks the notion of the photocall…

JS: As an event, and sums it up as a contrivance?

PictureBoss: Yeah, it’s clever isn’t it. So have you got one?

JS: Well if you play Where’sJaded for just a minute you’ll see me just there [taps screen]

PictureBoss: Ah, yeah, there you are!

JS: And he only kissed one baby, once

PictureBoss: Right..

JS: And so if I’m there getting the shot I’ve given you

PictureBoss: Uh-huh

JS: I can’t also be there [tapping screen] taking the shot ArtyAgency took

PictureBoss: Yeah, but I like that shot [hammering screen]

JS: And you asked for that shot [tapping screen on his own picture]

PictureBoss: But I’ve looked through all your shots, arbitrarily decided what’s missing, looked through everyone else’s shots and now, post event, come to the decision that I want that shot [bashing the screen at ArtyAgency's picture]

JS: But there’s an infinite amount of pictures that can be taken any one event…

PictureBoss: Yes

JS: …And I can only take a limited number…

PictureBoss: That’s true…

JS: …So I tend to take the pictures I’ve been asked for first, and the clever ones second…

PictureBoss: You’ve been trained well!

JS: … But despite that, whatever I take, on your orders, you will always -

PictureBoss: – That’s right, find the ‘missing’ picture and innocently ask ‘Have you got this one?’

JS: Well you put me in a dilemma

PictureBoss: I thought it was a paradox?

JS: It’s confusing isn’t it. So what do you want me to do? Swap frames?

PictureBoss: Oh no, that’s corrupt

JS: What then?

PictureBoss: Be in two places at once

GreatOpportunity

JadedSnapper is meeting LondonPRType at a cafe who has a PR job on offer.

LondonPRType: Jaded, dahling! How are you?

JadedSnapper: Yes, erm, wonderful

LondonPRType: So, I’ve heard you’re thinking of going freelance, and I’ve got a great opportunity for a ‘start-up’ business such as yourself

JS: [interest peaked] Okey-doke, what do you need?

LondonPRType: Well, my client is a four-star hotel. A four-star hotel JS, they don’t normally let you in!

JS: Well, no, but go on…

LondonPRType: – Yes, so this prestigious client of mine needs pictures doing at our prestigious event.  I tried to get a photography student, but I need your quality!!

JS: Right well, how much are you going to offer me?

LondonPRType: [pushes an envelope across the table] I think you’ll be pleased with this offer

JS: [opens the envelope, a glossy piece of paper floats down] What’s this?

LondonPRType: Why that’s a voucher for a JuniorBurger at GoldenArches

JS: What’s that doing in the envelope?

LondonPRType: Why, that’s my offer, I know you like food!

JS: It’s certainly a very generous offer

LondonPRType: It certainly is!

JS: But I didn’t realise we’ve reverted to a bartering economy after centuries of using, erm, actual currency

LondonPRType: Ok, you’re a great photographer, so I’ll up my offer! I’ll give you a credit

JS: Ooh! A credit! That’s tipped the balance

LondonPRType: Look Jaded, this is a great opportunity for a start-up like you – A four star hotel!

JS: So, this hotel. I take it you’re charging them?

LondonPRType: Well, of course, I’m one of the top PRs in my head!

JS: And part of that fee will include providing photography I imagine…

LondonPRType: Well, yes, the sourcing, briefing and thieving from photographers is a time consuming business. I’ve got a dozen others to dupe after you!!

JS: But you don’t see fit to say, I don’t know, pay the photographer that you’re hiring to take these prestigious pictures for your prestigious client?

LondonPRType: Look, this is a great opportunity for a start-up business such as yourself. Think of the experience! A four star -

JS: Yes, I know. The hotel has four shiny stars

LondonPRType: Yes, but, look, if you do this one job for me, I’ll consider you for some even more prestigious jobs in the future. I might even refer you to other PRs!!

JS: Jobs that involve the exchange of currency?

LondonPRType: Well, no, if you accept doing this job for free – erm, I mean for my prestigious voucher – then I see no reason to pay you in the future.

JS: Oh, well how will these prestigious jobs differ then?

LondonPRType: I’ll give you a BigBurger Voucher!!

JS: Fantastic!

 

This post is part of the photocreative365.com 10 10 10 event for Macmillan Cancer

SickNote

JadedSnapper has returned to work after being ill

PictureBoss: Hi Jaded, I’ve got a little query..

JadedSnapper: Oh, right, what about?

PictureBoss: Well I’ve just been reading over your sick note…you’ve put down a pretty strange ‘reason for illness’ [shows sick note to JS]

JS: [looking at form, slightly quizzically] ‘Alienation’. What’s wrong with that?

PictureBoss: It’s not really an illness as such…

JS: Oh yes it is.

PictureBoss: Oh no it isn’t!

JS: Oh yes it is!

PictureBoss: Look it’s not quite the season for that behaviour

JS: Fair play

PictureBoss: So why were you off?

JS: Well look, do you remember ‘The GoodPicture’?

PictureBoss: Ah, yes, ‘The GoodPicture’. What a day!

JS: What happened to that picture?

PictureBoss: It went around the world. Appeared in PoshPaper, YankPaper, InternationalTrendyMagazine and BitchyFashionBlog. You were famous! You see the opportunities we give to you Jaded!

JS: Except I didn’t exactly get bylined did I?

PictureBoss: Well it was a typo I suppose…

JS: Yeah you don’t spell my name ‘LocalAgency’ do you?

PictureBoss: No, but we have a deal with them, they lift our content, claim all the credit and half the profits go back our way

JS: Well, you see, that’s the source of my illness

PictureBoss: [confused] Oh, right…

JS: ‘The GoodPicture’ went around the world, made it into all of those newspapers and magazines and what do I get?

PictureBoss: A warm fuzzy feeling inside?

JS: Precisely fuck all I believe

PictureBoss: Look, Jaded, no one goes into the media to make money as such. It’s for the glory, the thrill of the chase, the news, Jaded, it’s all about the news!

JS: It’s quite hard to chase a dog shit. Look, MDBoss gets a huge whack, and bonuses for his ‘performance’ -

PictureBoss: – Yep, not down that much this year

JS: I know, it’s fantastic. I was just wondering when us snappers would get a performance related bonus. The EveningSnooze must have made a mint on that -

PictureBoss: – Yeah you’re normally a dead loss. ‘The GoodPicture’ put us into profit that week. You didn’t cost us a penny!

JS: – Yeah, so, you made a mint on that and I get paid nowt, and will forever be paid nowt. Where does that cash go? Can’t it go on a bonus for the editorial department?

PictureBoss: Yes but as your contract states -

JS: – Yes I know, ‘We own your soul’ -

PictureBoss: – Look, I’ll come clean. The money all gets invested into a pension fund…

JS: Oh, well, that’s good. Although I don’t have a pension

PictureBoss: No Jaded, not your pension fund

JS: Well whose then?

PictureBoss: MDBoss’ of course!