ConcernedResident – ep 2 – The case of the swearing goat

Ding dong!

ConcernedResident: Oh thank God you’re here! I’ve been up all night with this thing. Sick with worry I am! What are they going to do next?!

JadedSnapper: Erm what’s the problem?

ConcernedResident: IT’S THIS! [angrily gesturing towards the table]

JS: That?

ConcernedResident: Yes!

A stuffed goat sits apologetically on the coffee table. It bears a soft heart shaped button on its chest, with the words ‘push me’ inscribed. It is staring up hopefully at JadedSnapper.

JS: Well it’s just child’s toy? What possible harm could it do?

ConcernedResident: Harm! HARM!? Press that bloody button!!

JS: [presses button]

Goat: PPPhhharrrrtttt!

JS: So?

ConcernedResident: So? So! It’s saying –

Goat: Phharrrt…

ConcernedResident: Look! See! It did it again. It’s driving me round the bend and it’s supposed to be a present for my grandson.

JS: Well I’m sure he’d like a farting goat

Goat: Phhaaarrrtttt….

ConcernedResident: He’s only four years old. I can’t have him running round shouting ‘fart’! People will think he’s not been brought up proper!

Goat: Phaaarrrrt….

ConcernedResident: That bloody goat!

JS: To be honest, I can’t think of a four year old that doesn’t do that…

ConcernedResident: Do you think this is funny? It’s not… I mean, what’s next? –

Goat: Phharrrt

ConcernedResident: – [conspiratorially] that’s how it starts, see

JS: [slightly confused] Err, how what starts…?

ConcernedResident: Drugs, muggings all those things.

JS: With a

Goat: …Phhaaarrtt…

ConcernedResident: Yes, it’s about boundaries. If JuniorResident thinks he can run around saying that kind of filth, then before you know it he’ll be on the glue!

JS: Oh..I see.. this is quite serious then…

ConcernedResident: There’s no quite about it! What are you going to do about it?!

JS: Err, not buy JuniorResident any glue???

ConcernedResident: No, I mean yes, but you’re here to take my picture.

JS: Oh yes, when faced with an issue of such proportions I sometimes forget why I’m here

ConcernedResident: Right, I’m going to –

Goat: Phhaarrrtttt…

ConcernedResident: [screaming] Ah! I hate it!!! I’m going to stand behind it. I think I should point…

JS: What? Point?

ConcernedResident: Yeah, it’s that serious!

JS: But I only reserve ‘the point’ for the big ones

ConcernedResident: It’s that big! It’s a big-

Goat: PPPPPhaaaaaaaaaarrt!

ConcernedResident: [pointing, with angry face] Right take my picture!

JS: You’re really angry about this one

ConcernedResident: Too right I am, BigSupermarket aren’t getting away with this anymore. I’m taking a stand…It’s about rights mate

click click click

JS: Just one thing…

Goat: Phhaaart?

JS: No not you!

ConcernedResident: Just one thing what?

JS: Is this really the most important thing going on in your life? Have you not any other problems?

ConcernedResident: Ahh! You’re a good journalist JS, I’ve got another story I want to show you… It’s the council see..

JS: What?

ConcernedResident: They only take me bins out once a fortnight

JS: I’ll get EditorBoss to hold the front page for that one…

About jadedsnapper

Reinforcing the stereotype that local press photographers are more miserable than the people they photograph
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