PretentiousPap

JadedSnapper is outside BigBrotherWinner’s house after he had an affair with, well, who cares who. As this is celebrity nonsense members of Britain’s paparazzi are there

JadedSnapper: So, how long have you been waiting out here?

PretentiousPap: Three days

JS: Three days? But the story only broke yesterday…

PretentiousPap: Ah, yes but his publicist tipped us off beforehand

JS: What, before it was in the papers?

PretentiousPap: No, before he did it

JS: Before he did it?

PretentiousPap: Yeah, how else do you think he gets into the papers?

JS: Good point. Do you always know more than the ‘sleb’s other half?

PretentiousPap: No, no just the more desperate ones. With the real ‘slebs I’ve got to do the real spade work. That’s where the journalism comes in.

JS: Journalism comes into it?

PretentiousPap: Yeah, we’re the last of the documentary street photographers. Brassai. Dead. Capa. Dead. Cartier-Bresson. Dead. It’s just me now.

JS: Well there is a direct lineage I suppose. You are the silent witness to history

PretentiousPap: Exactly, who else follows the rules ‘f8 and be there’ and ‘if you’re pictures aren’t good enough, you’re not close enough’

JS: Those rules never had the caveat ‘close enough to bounce the camera off their face’ though did they?

PretentiousPap: Look mate, I capture raw human emotion every day, that is the true spirit of Capa and Magnum.

JS: Erm, yes, I suppose it is…

PretentiousPap: Although not everyone appreciates it…

JS: No?

PretentiousPap: No, a mate asked me to do her wedding, because of my professionalism you see

JS: Really? And how did that go?

PretentiousPap: Bloody Bridezillas mate. I told her I don’t do set ups. I’m a documentary purist. But I am dedicated. She said she was fine with that.

JS: Fair enough. So what happened?

PretentiousPap: Well I camped outside her house for six weeks with nine of my mates – so we could get a five-a-side going when we were bored.

JS: Right

PretentiousPap: And you know, I documented her every movement up until her day. As I said I would.

JS: Err, okay

PretentiousPap: Yeah she said I was stalking her. But she’s not got a leg to stand on. I was on a public road. I was in the right mate.

JS: So what happened on the day?

PretentiousPap: Well I just did what I always do

JS: What was that?

PretentiousPap: I got all mates together and blocked her path – though I carefully avoided charges of false imprisonment

JS: Oh yeah?

PretentiousPap: And I needed to capture the raw emotion of the event

JS: Uh-huh

PretentiousPap: Yeah so we all shouted ‘You fat slag, you’re an ugly whore’

JS: Holy fuck, why?

PretentiousPap: To get the emotion mate, how else would she cry?

JS: I’m not sure that’s what she expected. Did you get her half blinking to make her look drunk?

PretentiousPap: Yeah, always a classic technique! And you know what she did, after all that hard work?

JS: What?

PretentiousPap: She not only didn’t pay me, she bloody had me arrested!

JS: Bridezillas eh?

PretentiousPap: Exactly

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About jadedsnapper

Reinforcing the stereotype that local press photographers are more miserable than the people they photograph
This entry was posted in BigBrotherWinner, PrentitiousPap, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to PretentiousPap

  1. sinisterpictures says:

    I saw a pap drop his 1dMk4 face down on the pavement with no lens attached in camden while he was fumbling to change a lens, much snickering from all around!

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