JadedSnapper is outside BigBrotherWinner’s house after he had an affair with, well, who cares who. As this is celebrity nonsense members of Britain’s paparazzi are there
JadedSnapper: So, how long have you been waiting out here?
PretentiousPap: Three days
JS: Three days? But the story only broke yesterday…
PretentiousPap: Ah, yes but his publicist tipped us off beforehand
JS: What, before it was in the papers?
PretentiousPap: No, before he did it
JS: Before he did it?
PretentiousPap: Yeah, how else do you think he gets into the papers?
JS: Good point. Do you always know more than the ‘sleb’s other half?
PretentiousPap: No, no just the more desperate ones. With the real ‘slebs I’ve got to do the real spade work. That’s where the journalism comes in.
JS: Journalism comes into it?
PretentiousPap: Yeah, we’re the last of the documentary street photographers. Brassai. Dead. Capa. Dead. Cartier-Bresson. Dead. It’s just me now.
JS: Well there is a direct lineage I suppose. You are the silent witness to history
PretentiousPap: Exactly, who else follows the rules ‘f8 and be there’ and ‘if you’re pictures aren’t good enough, you’re not close enough’
JS: Those rules never had the caveat ‘close enough to bounce the camera off their face’ though did they?
PretentiousPap: Look mate, I capture raw human emotion every day, that is the true spirit of Capa and Magnum.
JS: Erm, yes, I suppose it is…
PretentiousPap: Although not everyone appreciates it…
PretentiousPap: No, a mate asked me to do her wedding, because of my professionalism you see
JS: Really? And how did that go?
PretentiousPap: Bloody Bridezillas mate. I told her I don’t do set ups. I’m a documentary purist. But I am dedicated. She said she was fine with that.
JS: Fair enough. So what happened?
PretentiousPap: Well I camped outside her house for six weeks with nine of my mates – so we could get a five-a-side going when we were bored.
PretentiousPap: And you know, I documented her every movement up until her day. As I said I would.
JS: Err, okay
PretentiousPap: Yeah she said I was stalking her. But she’s not got a leg to stand on. I was on a public road. I was in the right mate.
JS: So what happened on the day?
PretentiousPap: Well I just did what I always do
JS: What was that?
PretentiousPap: I got all mates together and blocked her path – though I carefully avoided charges of false imprisonment
JS: Oh yeah?
PretentiousPap: And I needed to capture the raw emotion of the event
PretentiousPap: Yeah so we all shouted ‘You fat slag, you’re an ugly whore’
JS: Holy fuck, why?
PretentiousPap: To get the emotion mate, how else would she cry?
JS: I’m not sure that’s what she expected. Did you get her half blinking to make her look drunk?
PretentiousPap: Yeah, always a classic technique! And you know what she did, after all that hard work?
PretentiousPap: She not only didn’t pay me, she bloody had me arrested!
JS: Bridezillas eh?