CouncillorOppose

JadedSnapper is on a job with CouncillorOppose. He looks angry. And indignant. There are a few booze bottles arranged at his feet. It’s early morning


JadedSnapper: So what’s happening in this quiet suburban street?

CouncillorOppose: These bottles of booze have been drunk by the scourge of our pleasant neighbourhood!

JS: Not CharityMuggers?!

CouncillorOppose: No… worse than that… students!

JS: Oh, yes, I saw your quote

CouncillorOppose: “1000s of drunken, barbarous, students marauding the good streets of SnoozeCity fills me with dread!” – that’ll get me a little votey. [to self] Votey voteys, lovely little voteys!!

JS: [a little confused] Err, yes… I didn’t think that FormerPoly had a reputation for drunken barbarousness…

CouncillorOppose: Never mind that! Look at all this delicious booze they’ve left behind. It’s even in a pretty semi-circle. Perfect for the documentary photographer

JS: Well it’s lucky I don’t believe in setting up these decisive moments. They’ve chosen an odd array of drinks for students. I mean CheapCider?

CouncillorOppose: They’re FormerPoly students, their parents can’t afford PoshCider. I thought it’d be more appropriate. And they’ve drunk a whole bottle of DirtyWhiskey! Lovely DirtyWhiskey

JS: Right…so I don’t see any street-based chaos. Not even any sick on the floor

CouncillorOppose: [shifting on his feet] I’ll get round to that in a minute. Look I really think we should get on with this.

JS: You do seem to be struggling

CouncillorOppose: Yes so, I’ll just sit on the floor. It’ll be easier for me

JS: So given that there’s no visible carnage, I can only assume that nothing actually happened…

CouncillorOppose: Never let the facts get in the way of a good story my man

JS: What about a shit one?

CouncillorOppose: Then it’s even more perty…perty-nent.

JS: I’d hate to libel the good students of FormerPoly…

CouncillorOppose: [leaning on one hand and loosens tie] Look I’ve been up all night getting through these little babies – I’m starting to flag a little.

JS: Okay, but what about besmirching the students?

CouncillorOppose: [pointing with finger] My…voterers

JS: Constituents?

CouncillorOppose: [in a correcting tone, wagging finger] My…voterers are in fear of these marauding students. I have to be seen to be actoring about it.

JS: And mythical problems are so much easier to solve than real ones…

CouncillorOppose: Look, I’ll just point at these little bottle-ies and you take the picture.

JS: Maybe do an enraged open palm instead. It would look like you’re reaching out to your constituents

CouncillorOppose: [wagging finger] Voterers!

JS: Yes that’s right.

CouncillorOppose: Okey, okey-dokey. Should I hold the DirtyWhiskey as well? I mean I’ll have to balance on my behind, but I’ll do my best

JS: You surely mean sit?

CouncillorOppose: At this stage of the night it’s definitely balance. Look I’m holding this boozey and reaching out to the rest

JS: I think that’ll illustrate you perfectly. Click

Posted in CouncillorOppose, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

The PhotoYoda: A burning issue

JadedSnapper is in a mythical place in time and space. Fortunately so is the PhotoYoda

JadedSnapper: Afternoon PhotoYoda!

PhotoYoda: Is it?

JS: Well, erm, who knows. Anyway that’s not the point – I’ve got great plan to make money

PhotoYoda: You’re not quitting photography?

JS: No, even better than that. I’m going to shoot weddings!

PhotoYoda: Right, despite having no experience in it, so far, so good. And how will this work out my little fruitbat?

JS: Well I’ll just charge ’em a grand and burn ’em a disc. That’s it

PhotoYoda: So they don’t even get an album? Frames? Prints? A pre-wedding shoot? Planning meetings? 1-0 dear JS, 1-0!

JS: Well if they want prints or an album I’ll just use OnlinePrinter. And LeadingSwedishFurnitureShop does frames for about 10 quid. And I’ll charge a tidy packet for them an’ all!

PhotoYoda: Plonkersaurus

JS: What? I thought they died out years ago?

PhotoYoda: You’re clearly the last of them

JS: Look I’ve got a booking, can’t be going too wrong…

PhotoYoda: Do you want to be impoverished all your life?

JS: Well, no, that’s why I’m doing this!

PhotoYoda: Then stop being a plonkersaurus! You’ve got it all back to fruitbats!

JS: Err, yeah?

PhotoYoda: Look, you’re planning on offering a premium service, right?

JS: Well I’m charging a grand, loads are more expensive…

PhotoYoda: But a grand is a lot, yes?

JS: Yes, yes it is!

PhotoYoda: But you’re also planning on stiffing your clients before you even have them

JS: Well hardly, I’m offering them the disc…

PhotoYoda: Yeah, but you can’t then charge ‘a tidy packet’ for prints, albums and frames that your client could get themselves. Especially cheapy ones

JS: They won’t know!

PhotoYoda: Do they not have google?

JS: Well, so, I’m offering the disc. Anything else is an extra…

PhotoYoda: Well that’s stupid in the first place. You don’t give away your pictures before you’ve made money from them. You’ve got to provide a service. And that disc should be an extra service. Album first, disc second!

JS: [moping] I thought it was a good plan

PhotoYoda: What do you hate about MonkeySnapper?

JS: He charges peanuts and is rubbish. And takes money off me!

PhotoYoda: You’re doing the same you plonkersaurus!

JS: What?

PhotoYoda: If you want to clients to value your work, you have to as well my little fruitbat! Cowboys cut corners! Use professional suppliers!

JS: But they’re expensive

PhotoYoda: 1-0, there’s the 1-0 in your mind!

JS: But if I use professional suppliers I won’t make as much money. I’ll have to charge as much as the proper wedding photographers…

PhotoYoda: [a knowing look]

JS: Oh…

Posted in PhotoYoda, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 5 Comments

PopeBoss

JadedSnapper is in the slightly unrealistic scenerio of a one-on-one with PopeBoss during the Birmingham leg of his tour of Britain. PopeBoss is carrying a small book.

PopeBoss: [leafing through his book] Awroighte bab, how yaoiw doin’?

JadedSnapper: Err, what?

PopeBoss: [confused, turns some more pages, slightly stressed expression] How bin ya?

JS: [doesn’t understand, so humours] Yes, lovely. So we don’t have much time, could you hold the bible nice and close to your chest?

PopeBoss: Worritiz, right, is not a Boible

JS: Ok, what is it then?

PopeBoss: It’s for me holidays [turns cover to JS]

JS: “Deutsch-Brummie phrasebook” Nice to see you embracing the local culture

PopeBoss: Yeah, well Oi thought it was gonna be bostin’ but my tour’s going rubbish

JS: Mate, I can’t understand you. Put the book down

PopeBoss: But you’re from the local paper!?

JS: Precisely. And I can’t be bothered with all the googling’

PopeBoss: ‘Googling’?

JS: Never mind. So your tour’s not going well?

PopeBoss: Yeah, not compared to His. Thousands more went to see Him. And what happens to me?

JS: What?

PopeBoss: I can’t even headline my own gig. I was the support act for SuBo!

JS: Well she is internationally famous. And that voice!

PopeBoss: She’s got a face like bosted arse, that’s what she’s got. They wouldn’t do that to Him

JS: You haven’t exactly had the greatest PR. What with your advisor saying those vaguely racist things…

PopeBoss: Worritwoz, right, basically he heard we’d be driving through the Black Country and he got all confused

JS: Oh

PopeBoss: So I thought if I learnt a bit of Brummie I could save this from being a disaster. I can’t even sell out. There’s supposed to be a billion of us lot!

JS: Well it is the credit crunch…

PopeBoss: Never mind that bollocks, He always sells out his tours. And world leaders listen more to Him. In fact no one ever shouts ‘Paedo protector’ to Him. Completely stolen my monopoly on righteousness.

JS: Well Pope John-Paul was a bit of superstar. Kissed the ground and everything.

PopeBoss: Oh God, no not him! He’s old news mate!

JS: Right, so who’s got you all jealous then?

PopeBoss: That bloody Bono

Posted in PopeBoss, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

PretentiousPap

JadedSnapper is outside BigBrotherWinner’s house after he had an affair with, well, who cares who. As this is celebrity nonsense members of Britain’s paparazzi are there

JadedSnapper: So, how long have you been waiting out here?

PretentiousPap: Three days

JS: Three days? But the story only broke yesterday…

PretentiousPap: Ah, yes but his publicist tipped us off beforehand

JS: What, before it was in the papers?

PretentiousPap: No, before he did it

JS: Before he did it?

PretentiousPap: Yeah, how else do you think he gets into the papers?

JS: Good point. Do you always know more than the ‘sleb’s other half?

PretentiousPap: No, no just the more desperate ones. With the real ‘slebs I’ve got to do the real spade work. That’s where the journalism comes in.

JS: Journalism comes into it?

PretentiousPap: Yeah, we’re the last of the documentary street photographers. Brassai. Dead. Capa. Dead. Cartier-Bresson. Dead. It’s just me now.

JS: Well there is a direct lineage I suppose. You are the silent witness to history

PretentiousPap: Exactly, who else follows the rules ‘f8 and be there’ and ‘if you’re pictures aren’t good enough, you’re not close enough’

JS: Those rules never had the caveat ‘close enough to bounce the camera off their face’ though did they?

PretentiousPap: Look mate, I capture raw human emotion every day, that is the true spirit of Capa and Magnum.

JS: Erm, yes, I suppose it is…

PretentiousPap: Although not everyone appreciates it…

JS: No?

PretentiousPap: No, a mate asked me to do her wedding, because of my professionalism you see

JS: Really? And how did that go?

PretentiousPap: Bloody Bridezillas mate. I told her I don’t do set ups. I’m a documentary purist. But I am dedicated. She said she was fine with that.

JS: Fair enough. So what happened?

PretentiousPap: Well I camped outside her house for six weeks with nine of my mates – so we could get a five-a-side going when we were bored.

JS: Right

PretentiousPap: And you know, I documented her every movement up until her day. As I said I would.

JS: Err, okay

PretentiousPap: Yeah she said I was stalking her. But she’s not got a leg to stand on. I was on a public road. I was in the right mate.

JS: So what happened on the day?

PretentiousPap: Well I just did what I always do

JS: What was that?

PretentiousPap: I got all mates together and blocked her path – though I carefully avoided charges of false imprisonment

JS: Oh yeah?

PretentiousPap: And I needed to capture the raw emotion of the event

JS: Uh-huh

PretentiousPap: Yeah so we all shouted ‘You fat slag, you’re an ugly whore’

JS: Holy fuck, why?

PretentiousPap: To get the emotion mate, how else would she cry?

JS: I’m not sure that’s what she expected. Did you get her half blinking to make her look drunk?

PretentiousPap: Yeah, always a classic technique! And you know what she did, after all that hard work?

JS: What?

PretentiousPap: She not only didn’t pay me, she bloody had me arrested!

JS: Bridezillas eh?

PretentiousPap: Exactly

Posted in BigBrotherWinner, PrentitiousPap, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

CompetitionTime

Ring Ring…Riiiingg Riiiingg!

JadedSnapper: Hello?

CheapskateConsultant: Hi, is that JadedSnapper?

JS: Why yes, yes it is! Hey don’t I recognise that voice? You used to hire me didn’t you? Have you got a job for me? [says hopefully]

CheapskateConsultant: Even better than a job JS, I’m running a photography competition and I want you to enter it…

JS: Oh, brilliant

CheapskateConsultant: Exactly, brilliant! It’s a great opportunity. As you know I run a sustainability for business consultancy and the competition is on an eco theme. And I want you to enter that lovely picture of those windmills.

JS: Erm okay, you could always buy a licence for it. What’s the prize?

CheapskateConsultant: You’ll like this JS, it’s 1000 shiny pounds!!

JS: Are they individually polished?

CheapskateConsultant: No, but look this is a great opportunity for you!

JS: Oh really. What are the terms and conditions?

CheapskateConsultant: Look unlike other photography competitions we really respect photographers. We won’t be taking your copyright from you. Not. One. Bit.

JS: So far, so encouraging. But what are the terms and conditions?

CheapskateConsultant: Just a few tinsy-winsy clauses, they’re nothing to worry about.

JS: Like what?

CheapskateConsultant: You grant me a “non-exclusive, irrevocable licence to reproduce, enlarge, publish or exhibit on any media, the image for any purpose”

JS: Not just for the purposes of the competition?

CheapskateConsultant: Look, it’s nothing to worry about…

JS: So you want hundreds of images of your core business to do with as you please? Surely you mean only in relation to the competition?

CheapskateConsultant: No, no, I’m quite specific. I need your pictures not only for the competition but for:

“my website and on the websites of sponsors and supporters.
For use in press releases distributed to national, regional & specialist press.
To be used in presentations, publications and events.”

Come on JS, this is a great opportunity. Don’t you see the potential?

JS: The potential for being shafted, yes. Any others?

CheapskateConsultant: “Entrants also agree that the organisers can sub-license images to the media for reproduction”

JS: Hang on, you want to not only use my pictures forever more but also to be able to sell it as well. Isn’t that a rights grab of epic proportions?

CheapskateConsultant: No no JS, I said at the start, I’m not stealing your copyright. Not. One. Bit. We might even credit you.

JS: How about you buy a licence to use my picture, you know like when you used to hire me?

CheapskateConsultant: No, I’d rather you entered the competition. Imagine if I had to pay for every picture I wanted to use! Why would I do that when you can just enter the competition for free?

JS: Imagine indeed! Well you’ve convinced me that I no longer need to charge for photography when I could get a shiny certificate instead.

CheapskateConsultant: Brilliant! And good luck!

Click

Posted in CheapskateConsultant | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

CharityCase

JadedSnapper is at a children’s charity event. He has just finished taking pictures for the job.

JS: Right so if there’s nothing else..

CharityWorker: That was really great, the children have been really uplifted by your presence

JS: I haven’t given them any presents..

CharityWorker: No, no, by being here, you’ve really helped their self esteem – [talking to child next to her] Hasn’t it LittleOne?

LittleOne: Yeah, I like playing on the slide

JS: – Err, right, well I’m not sure that’s the case. I’ll be off then…

CharityWorker: Would you like a tea, coffee?

JS: No, no, I’ll just go now…

CharityWorker: Is there any way we could get the spare pictures?

JS: Err, spare pictures?

CharityWorker: You know, the ones you don’t use

JS: Well they’re the ones with the kids’ eyes closed…

CharityWorker: Yeah, but, could you send us the pictures anyway

JS: Well it’s against my contract to do that, you have to ask PictureBoss

CharityWorker: You see, we’re a small charity and we don’t have many pictures so it’d be really great..

JS: [walking towards door] If you talk to PictureBoss I’m sure you can come to some kind of arrangement

CharityWorker: [in front of door] Did you fancy doing a little photo-project?

JS: On your play equipment?

CharityWorker: Well, you know, on our charity generally, kids, some corporate head shots all sorts really

JS: That doesn’t sound like a profound black and white photo essay where I plumb the depths of human existence through the medium of photography

CharityWorker: No we wouldn’t want that. It’s more for our website. Maybe this Sunday?

JS: On my only day off this week?

CharityWorker: Think of LittleOne

JS: What about LittleOne?

CharityWorker: [rubs something in LittleOne’s eyes]

LittleOne: Waa! Waa! Waaaaaaa!

CharityWorker: Look at her, she’s crying! Only by you doing free pictures for us will she ever be happy again.

JS: What did you just do?

CharityWorker: [hides salt cellar] Nothing at all

JS: Right well I can’t really do a whole day of free pictures on my only day off. It kind of undercuts everyone else and devalues photography generally

LittleOne: Waa! Waa! Why…did..you.. do…that?

CharityWorker: [whispers] Ssshh Little One! We’re a small charity, we can’t pay for pictures, but it’d really help our promotion.

JS: Why don’t you get a student?

CharityWorker: No, we need you to do the pictures

JS: Why?

CharityWorker: Because you’re soft – I mean – because we need good pictures – it helps with funding applications

JS: Oh right

CharityWorker: Yeah but not too good, otherwise the funding boards think we’re throwing money around

JS: Well we couldn’t have that. So, you want a professional photographer – for free – but one who isn’t that good in case it makes your charity look bigger than it is.

CharityWorker: Yeah we thought you’d be perfect!

JS: Oh thanks

Posted in CharityWorker, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 11 Comments

HippyCamp

JadedSnapper is at the entrance to the HippyCamp

PoliticalActivist: Stop! CorporateMediaWhores must wait here!

JadedSnapper: Oh hi again, are you well?

PoliticalActivist: Oh, it’s you! What are you doing up here?

JS: Well I drove up – I mean – I took the train up so I could photographize this here HippyCamp

PoliticalActivist: Yes, I, err, took the train as well. We’re holding a HippyCamp here, and there’s going to be direct action!

JS: Blimey! You’re not messing about then!

PoliticalActivist: It’s time for radical action

JS: So who are you directing your action against?

PoliticalActivist: BadBank

JS: They need to get a marketing guy on to that name…

PoliticalActivist: A marketing person! That reminds me, you have to read the camp rules. “You must not use language which promotes the dominant, misogynist, capitalist, chauvinist, fascist, corporate hegemony that blights our daily lives!”

JS: Oh, err, okay. So can I come in then?

PoliticalActivist: Not yet, media hours are not till lunch time. And there’s more rules as agreed by the nonhierarchicaldecisionmakingcollective at HippyCamp.

JS: Erm, okay, what are they then?

PoliticalActivist: You can’t take pictures unless I let you. And I have to follow you around and regale you with the words of our lord and saviour.

JS: What, Jesus?

PoliticalActivist: No, Chomsky

JS: Sounds rivetting. Is it Chomsky’s fault you’re following me around?

PoliticalActivist: Fault? Fault! His analysis of  CorporateMediaWhores like you inform our every breath. That’s why I wear this [shows JS a wrist band]

JS: WWCD?

PoliticalActivist: What Would Chomsky Do

JS: Right, do I have to listen?

PoliticalActivist: I don’t expect a weak and craven journalist such as yourself to be able to comprehend the word of the lord. – Yeah, so you can only take pictures when you’ve got permission and when I say

JS: Sounds remarkably similar to the BadBank’s own PR policy

PoliticalActivist: It is not for you to question the decrees of HippyCamp!

JS: Right, so how many of you are here?

PoliticalActivist: About 400 so far

JS: What, in both those tents?

PoliticalActivist: They’re very roomy

JS: Ok. [pointing to the side] So, is he your photographer?

A  figure with two cameras hanging off his shoulders and the steely look of a committed, still passionate photographer waits patiently.

PoliticalActivist: Him? Him! No, he’s ConcernedPhotog! We don’t like him

JS: Why not, doesn’t he dedicate his entire professional life to the various protest movements that bless our country?

PoliticalActivist: Well, yes, but we don’t like him – he disagrees with us sometimes.

JS: So, who’s your photographer?

PoliticalActivist: I am! I’m going to take snaps all day and make them available to the CorporateMedia so we can get the HippyCamp maximum exposure.

JS: Right so you would rather give pictures away than form contacts with the snapper who is your biggest supporter?

PoliticalActivist: He –

JS: Yes, disagrees with you sometimes. So, you’re going to give away photos for free to the CorporateMedia  – even the FascistTimes – and at the same time putting the guy out of business who does the most to keep movements such as yours in the press.

PoliticalActivist: Yep

JS: Well I think we both know what that makes you..

PoliticalActivist: What?

JS: A CorporateMediaWhore

Posted in PoliticalActivist, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments